I’m only writing this blog now because I just didn’t feel like it. In the last few days I generally had little drive and indulged myself in a lack of drive. That doesn’t mean that I have stuck my head in the sand all day and numbed myself, not entirely. The mood was unsuccessfully treated with tons of peanuts and bananas and some episodes of Family Guy were spotted, but I didn’t give up completely.
No, I grew beyond that and lo and behold: I am writing this blog entry and have fulfilled my four pages of the “Morning Pages” every day.
Sense of duty wins over emotional chaos: 1-0.
The second leap into the unknown – continuing to grow, not stopping. Go one step at a time.
After I left Germany, I was full of energy. The wanderlust, the entrepreneurial spirit was awake and I seemed invincible. You could now say that this KotFit-20 has thwarted the year 2020, all of our plans including mine. I could pass everything on to circumstances and go back “home” but no, I definitely don’t want that. I came here on a mission. I wanted to dive deeper into yoga, teach, travel, perform concerts and make new friends.
As much as I appreciate and miss this place and the people around me, I also want to get out. Out into the world, out of the routine, out of the golden cage. Be alone, independent and responsible. The plan to live completely without financial support from September onwards had to be postponed and so it is still my greatest wish to serve with my talents and to secure my “independence”.
Independence is also an illusion, which I am aware of. We need each other. Regardless of whether it is about our inner workings, water, plants or our fellow human beings including the inventions of modern times: We always live in context and are never independent. But what we can actively do: share, be grateful and give back. Give AND take, in balance, equally, honestly and with pleasure.
First of all, it should be said that there have to be days when we sometimes feel bad. We can do that. We can allow ourselves to do that. The social environment, the extreme being social media fuss, always seems to be in a good mood. When we ask how the other is doing, we always get the only acceptable answer “good” and is good. You can just feel insecure, angry, desperate, worried, self-critical and lost for a while.
When we set off into the unknown, these are prominent companions. Unloved but that is precisely why it is so important that we deal with them lovingly.
Defusion is a tried and tested strategy to defuse strong emotions and impending explosions. As previously reported on buffer zones, these emotional distancing measures are useful tools. We observe and feel the feelings that want to be seen without completely losing ourselves in them. When observing without intension, some knots loosen by themselves. The deep conscious breathing, the conscious connection to the body can work wonders.
As important as the question of why is also in other contexts, we can lose ourselves in our emotional jungle. “Let it be”, said John Lennon once – just letting it be without brooding often makes more sense in moments of great turmoil than the excessive continuous analysis of why we feel the way we feel.
Yesterday I logged on to the Workaway portal. I plan travel all over India even under these circumstances. I trust in the good and that I will meet the people who will help me. As a volunteer, I am looking for opportunities in Goa, near Delhi or in the Himalayas (Himachal Pradesh) to put down new roots.
From farm work, yoga teacher to childcare, I am open to everything that is in harmony with myself. If it had been about my money, then I would have stayed in my “upper middle class life”, would have lived according to paragraph X, earned my 3000-4000 euros – case closed.
Nope, I didn’t want to, I still don’t want to. Was that a risky decision? Yes and no. Do I still stand by my decision? Yes, mostly and as soon as I become fully aware of what actually counts in life, how ephemeral everything is and why I am on this earth, then the calm and trust in the invisible, God, love, the universe, happy coincidences become whole big and a smile sounds softly on the strings of my soul harp.
When the above quote from Steve Jobs went through my head and I reflected on my behavior, I became aware that something had to change and so I am now correcting the course and daring to make another leap of faith into the unknown.
Stay safe and sound and aware of what you are feeling, how you are acting and be alert to what is happening around you.